Christmas

Christmas dinner makes us fat.

So much FAILURE

So much failing lately. At not eating, at purging, at blogging? I'm going to fix it. Tomorrow starts my crazy intense winter break work out. I did it last year and lost 10lbs in two weeks. That's happening again plus some more. I'm only going to eat on christmas. And I'm going to take laxatives. Freaking life savers. I'll update the blog when I lose some more weight. Gotta get off the flubber. It's so unattractive. I know people call me fat behind my back. I can feel it. Oh well, that'll change soon. After break they'll be talking about how awesome I look. Hell yesssss!

Stay skinnyyyyyy<3

Size 3

Yet another poem. This one is older, but whatevessss.

Size 3

My pillow's soaked, my eyes are red.
All these thoughts jumbled in my head.

The tears keep coming, they follow the pain.
For in this Hell is where I remain.

My face is tear-stained, my body can't feel.
So now I take comfort in this tiny pill.

Just to be thinner is all I want to be.
A size 7 doesn't work. I want to be a 3.

I don't care what it takes -- I won't even eat.
Because just like everyone else, I have a dream.

The dream of perfection. It's one little goal.
To love myself and body as a whole.

Why must I be the size of a pregnant whale?

Ohmygoodness. I feel so freaking fat today. My legs are the size of logs, my arms too. I look like I could be pregnant with a baby bear. I hate this so much. I'm trying so hard. I feel dizzy and weak, so why am I not thin yet? Freaking sucks so much. I'm so fatfatfatfatfatfatfat. I will be the skinniest girl at my school. I will make that happen. I'm gonna drop so many sizes. 7 to 5 to 3 to 2 to 1 to 0 to 00. Zero in tennis is love. I finally get it. 0 is love.

Elf in Psychology

We are watching Elf in my psychology class so I decided to get on a computer and blog a little. This week started out good. I starved all day monday. So proud. Then.. Tuesday. The christmas party. I failed so hard. I knew I was going to eat so I took laxatives right before. That's fine, but eating on tuesday ruined my whole week. I haven't been able to starve since. It sucks. I tried just throwing up after I ate, like I used too, but my body just will not do it. I could sit there all day long with my fingers down my throat and I'll just gag. It takes FOREVER to make myself puke. And when I finally do, it's only a tiny bit. No where near all of the food in my stomach. I don't know why. It's so dumb. I used to throw up after every single time I ate and it was easy. All I would have to do would be make myself gag and lean over a toilet. 2 minutes tops.

I ate breakfast this morning because when I woke up my stomach was killing me and I felt sick. SO DUMB. I should've just ignored it, but I'm starving for the rest of the day and all weekend. I don't even know what I weigh right now. I don't think I want too... I was 135 last time I check, but I bet that's all gone now. :/ I think if I succeed in starving all weekend (WHICH I WILL!), then I'll weigh myself sunday. I'm also gonna be using some diuretics will I starve. That way I can chug water every time I think about eating and not have to worry about water gain. Thank goodness for laxatives and diuretics. Life savers.

That's all for today.
SkinnySkinnySkinnylove<3

Skinny Dreams

Here's another poem I wrote(:


Skinny Dreams

I'm trying so hard to fit in,
All I want is just to be thin.
Losing weight day by day,
I'm getting so good at this game that I play.

Refusing the food, only drinking water.
Popping pills so I can function a little longer.
The empty feeling is a sign of success,
Getting thinner by the second, I'm trying my best.

My nights are filled with skinny dreams.
In them are visions of everything I'm dying to be.
There's no way out, I'm trapped inside,
I've become a prisoner, lost in my own mind.

I'm obsessed with hip bones and clavicles too.
When they're peeking out, my skinny dreams are coming true.
My need to be thin is too strong to ignore,
Try to force food down my throat and I'll walk out the door.

Failure

Why do I fail so hard sometimes? I hate it. Last week I was the perfect little Anagirl. I ate a tiny bit on monday(BLECHHH), but then tuesday through friday... nothing. I went to my boyfriend's house friday night. (YES! BOYFRIEND) We went to his school's football game then afterwards we came back and ordered pizza. We just started dating and he paid for the pizza so I didn't want him to think I was weird. I had to eat some of it. I had 2 pieces. Gross, but my body is so used to me taking laxatives that it just exploded anyway even though I didn't take any.

Then saturday night I had to go to this christmas party that the people I babysit for were throwing. The mom can cook like none other so I knew I would end up eating. I took three laxatives and ate SO MUCH. I almost felt like a normal person just eating whatever at that party. Thank goodness the laxatives cleaned me out as soon as I got home. On sunday, I completely forgot who I was and the hungry side of me took over. I ate so much and I don't even know why. Stuffed my face with all sorts of food. I'm so angry at myself. I was 135 the last time I weighed myself. I don't even want to know now. Ugly numbers.

So far today I have been great. Nothing but a tiny bit of flavored zero-everything water. And that's all its gonna be. Tomorrow during the day as well. I want to starve all week. Put nothing in my body. I have a tiny problem though. I have a bible study party on tuesday night. Everyone has to bring food. That's all fine and good. I'm strong enough to resist, but my bible study leader knows about my eating habits. Last year when I thought I needed help, thought it was taking over, I confided in her. She doesn't know that I still do these things and I'm glad, because it's not a problem. I am strong and healthy. Healthier then all these people stuffing their faces with fat and sugars. But if she sees me not eat at all, she'll know somethings up. I mean, it's not a problem. I can just take laxatives, but then food will have entered my body. It takes me a day or two to get going before I'm on a good starving roll. I've done so good today, I don't want tomorrow night to mess up my week. Oh well, My ana buddy Morgan will keep me in check. Love her with everything I am. We are gonna be the skinniest girls in school together. You should check out her blog if you like mine. Although, hers is better. It's strengthh.blogspot.com. LOOK AT IT.

That's all for today.
Think Skinny my loves. (:

Life Happens... And It Sucks.

A lot of things have happened here lately. I feel so far away from everything right now. Me and my mom got in a HUGE fight. The biggest one we've ever had. We were screaming at each other. I started crying and attempting to talk to her, but all she had to say was that I was wrong and she's the parent. She just told me to stop crying. I couldn't though. I was so beyond my breaking point that it had to come out. I was scared and didn't know what else to do so I went to my friends house and stayed there for a week. She texted my friend once asking me to call her, but of course I didn't. After that she made no attempt to talk to me. For a whole week. Normal moms would be freaking out and trying everything to make their daughters come back, but not mine. Nope. I'm back home now, but it all seems so fake. It's like I'm living someone else's life. This year was supposed to be about change and moving forward, but I've fallen back so much. Back into the things that were so hard. The things I worked my butt off to get away from. I'm scared and tired of always falling back once I make the tiniest bit of progress. I don't even know what to do or think anymore. I feel bad for always venting and dumping my problems on other people, so instead I keep my mouth shut. I don't want to drive my friends away just because I'm having little problems, you know what I mean?

Life sucks sometimes.
Think skinny my lovessss!

Thanksgiving!

Oh my goodness. Thanksgiving is here. A holiday that is supposed to be about giving thanks for everything you have and celebrating the coming together of two completely different groups of people is not about stuffing your face with food until you can't move. No wonder america is fat. I think this day was made just to piss of us people who are trying to stay skinny.

THANK JESUS for laxatives. I love them. They work so well because you can eat all you want and still maintain your weight. The pain isn't so fun at first, but you get used to it and end up falling in love with the feeling. The feeling of being empty right after eating. SO GOOD. And the food my family cooked was perfect. I was so angry that it was good. I wanted to hate eating it and I mean I did, but it was so delicious. It's okay though, because it's all be flushed down the toilet. Take that America! I won't get fat like the rest of you. I made a promise to myself that I WILL be the skinniest person at my school. It might take a few months, but I will make it happen.

I hope everyone's thanksgiving has been wonderful! I hope you got that secret stash of laxatives out to save your life. (;

Love you alll and think skinnyyy (:

Alone in a crowded room

A huge feeling of loneliness just slapped me in the face. I'm sitting here smoking on the porch with my best friend, but I feel so freaking alone. I have no idea why. I hate this feeling. Sometimes I feel like I suck everything out of all the people who support me. I feel like I constantly go to them for advice and I get on their nerves. I don't mean to bother them, but sometimes I just need to talk. Let it out, vent. Ya know?

Yes, I write poems.

My 'Ana' Voice

An unwelcome voice now crowds my head,
Crying out, begging not to be fed.
She gets strength from my hunger pains,
My emptiness is now her's to gain.

Taking control and always telling me what to do,
She says, "You don't deserve to eat. You know it's true."
I try to rebel, but her voice only gets louder.
She tells me when I'm thin, then she'll be prouder.

"Put down that fork. Step away from the plate,"
Her voice will forever echo because my body, she hates.
I step on the scale hoping to escape my fate,
But her grip is so tight, I can tell it's too late.

I find some comfort in bottles of pills.
Swallowing them everyday, trying to give in to her will.
Two to take away the hunger, Three to dull the pain,
Four to help me sleep at night and escape her endless blame.

Her name is Ana, she lives in my head.
Overflowing my life with a constant feeling of dread.
Though our relationship has had it's ups and downs,
She's making me thin, so I'll keep her around.

First Posttttttt!

Hey guys! This is my first blog post. I'm not super awesome at writing, but I love sharing my thoughts and ideas with anyone who cares enough to read it! I made this blog specifically to post about my daily struggle to find happiness in my body. I hate my body more than anything. I spend my days worrying about how many calories are in what I'm about to eat, or if anyone will catch onto how many times I go to the bathroom during a meal. I've been trying hard to change my size for so long. I started out this school year (August) at 147 and now I'm at 137.4. Ten poundsssssss. Woooo! I couldn't do it all with out the support from my Ana buddy, Morgan. Love her to pieces and she's right there with me everyday. Well I think this is it for this post. I'm sure I'll blog again soon. (:

staystrong&skinnyloves(: