Christmas

Christmas dinner makes us fat.

So much FAILURE

So much failing lately. At not eating, at purging, at blogging? I'm going to fix it. Tomorrow starts my crazy intense winter break work out. I did it last year and lost 10lbs in two weeks. That's happening again plus some more. I'm only going to eat on christmas. And I'm going to take laxatives. Freaking life savers. I'll update the blog when I lose some more weight. Gotta get off the flubber. It's so unattractive. I know people call me fat behind my back. I can feel it. Oh well, that'll change soon. After break they'll be talking about how awesome I look. Hell yesssss!

Stay skinnyyyyyy<3

Size 3

Yet another poem. This one is older, but whatevessss.

Size 3

My pillow's soaked, my eyes are red.
All these thoughts jumbled in my head.

The tears keep coming, they follow the pain.
For in this Hell is where I remain.

My face is tear-stained, my body can't feel.
So now I take comfort in this tiny pill.

Just to be thinner is all I want to be.
A size 7 doesn't work. I want to be a 3.

I don't care what it takes -- I won't even eat.
Because just like everyone else, I have a dream.

The dream of perfection. It's one little goal.
To love myself and body as a whole.

Why must I be the size of a pregnant whale?

Ohmygoodness. I feel so freaking fat today. My legs are the size of logs, my arms too. I look like I could be pregnant with a baby bear. I hate this so much. I'm trying so hard. I feel dizzy and weak, so why am I not thin yet? Freaking sucks so much. I'm so fatfatfatfatfatfatfat. I will be the skinniest girl at my school. I will make that happen. I'm gonna drop so many sizes. 7 to 5 to 3 to 2 to 1 to 0 to 00. Zero in tennis is love. I finally get it. 0 is love.

Elf in Psychology

We are watching Elf in my psychology class so I decided to get on a computer and blog a little. This week started out good. I starved all day monday. So proud. Then.. Tuesday. The christmas party. I failed so hard. I knew I was going to eat so I took laxatives right before. That's fine, but eating on tuesday ruined my whole week. I haven't been able to starve since. It sucks. I tried just throwing up after I ate, like I used too, but my body just will not do it. I could sit there all day long with my fingers down my throat and I'll just gag. It takes FOREVER to make myself puke. And when I finally do, it's only a tiny bit. No where near all of the food in my stomach. I don't know why. It's so dumb. I used to throw up after every single time I ate and it was easy. All I would have to do would be make myself gag and lean over a toilet. 2 minutes tops.

I ate breakfast this morning because when I woke up my stomach was killing me and I felt sick. SO DUMB. I should've just ignored it, but I'm starving for the rest of the day and all weekend. I don't even know what I weigh right now. I don't think I want too... I was 135 last time I check, but I bet that's all gone now. :/ I think if I succeed in starving all weekend (WHICH I WILL!), then I'll weigh myself sunday. I'm also gonna be using some diuretics will I starve. That way I can chug water every time I think about eating and not have to worry about water gain. Thank goodness for laxatives and diuretics. Life savers.

That's all for today.
SkinnySkinnySkinnylove<3

Skinny Dreams

Here's another poem I wrote(:


Skinny Dreams

I'm trying so hard to fit in,
All I want is just to be thin.
Losing weight day by day,
I'm getting so good at this game that I play.

Refusing the food, only drinking water.
Popping pills so I can function a little longer.
The empty feeling is a sign of success,
Getting thinner by the second, I'm trying my best.

My nights are filled with skinny dreams.
In them are visions of everything I'm dying to be.
There's no way out, I'm trapped inside,
I've become a prisoner, lost in my own mind.

I'm obsessed with hip bones and clavicles too.
When they're peeking out, my skinny dreams are coming true.
My need to be thin is too strong to ignore,
Try to force food down my throat and I'll walk out the door.

Failure

Why do I fail so hard sometimes? I hate it. Last week I was the perfect little Anagirl. I ate a tiny bit on monday(BLECHHH), but then tuesday through friday... nothing. I went to my boyfriend's house friday night. (YES! BOYFRIEND) We went to his school's football game then afterwards we came back and ordered pizza. We just started dating and he paid for the pizza so I didn't want him to think I was weird. I had to eat some of it. I had 2 pieces. Gross, but my body is so used to me taking laxatives that it just exploded anyway even though I didn't take any.

Then saturday night I had to go to this christmas party that the people I babysit for were throwing. The mom can cook like none other so I knew I would end up eating. I took three laxatives and ate SO MUCH. I almost felt like a normal person just eating whatever at that party. Thank goodness the laxatives cleaned me out as soon as I got home. On sunday, I completely forgot who I was and the hungry side of me took over. I ate so much and I don't even know why. Stuffed my face with all sorts of food. I'm so angry at myself. I was 135 the last time I weighed myself. I don't even want to know now. Ugly numbers.

So far today I have been great. Nothing but a tiny bit of flavored zero-everything water. And that's all its gonna be. Tomorrow during the day as well. I want to starve all week. Put nothing in my body. I have a tiny problem though. I have a bible study party on tuesday night. Everyone has to bring food. That's all fine and good. I'm strong enough to resist, but my bible study leader knows about my eating habits. Last year when I thought I needed help, thought it was taking over, I confided in her. She doesn't know that I still do these things and I'm glad, because it's not a problem. I am strong and healthy. Healthier then all these people stuffing their faces with fat and sugars. But if she sees me not eat at all, she'll know somethings up. I mean, it's not a problem. I can just take laxatives, but then food will have entered my body. It takes me a day or two to get going before I'm on a good starving roll. I've done so good today, I don't want tomorrow night to mess up my week. Oh well, My ana buddy Morgan will keep me in check. Love her with everything I am. We are gonna be the skinniest girls in school together. You should check out her blog if you like mine. Although, hers is better. It's strengthh.blogspot.com. LOOK AT IT.

That's all for today.
Think Skinny my loves. (: