Life Happens... And It Sucks.

A lot of things have happened here lately. I feel so far away from everything right now. Me and my mom got in a HUGE fight. The biggest one we've ever had. We were screaming at each other. I started crying and attempting to talk to her, but all she had to say was that I was wrong and she's the parent. She just told me to stop crying. I couldn't though. I was so beyond my breaking point that it had to come out. I was scared and didn't know what else to do so I went to my friends house and stayed there for a week. She texted my friend once asking me to call her, but of course I didn't. After that she made no attempt to talk to me. For a whole week. Normal moms would be freaking out and trying everything to make their daughters come back, but not mine. Nope. I'm back home now, but it all seems so fake. It's like I'm living someone else's life. This year was supposed to be about change and moving forward, but I've fallen back so much. Back into the things that were so hard. The things I worked my butt off to get away from. I'm scared and tired of always falling back once I make the tiniest bit of progress. I don't even know what to do or think anymore. I feel bad for always venting and dumping my problems on other people, so instead I keep my mouth shut. I don't want to drive my friends away just because I'm having little problems, you know what I mean?

Life sucks sometimes.
Think skinny my lovessss!

Thanksgiving!

Oh my goodness. Thanksgiving is here. A holiday that is supposed to be about giving thanks for everything you have and celebrating the coming together of two completely different groups of people is not about stuffing your face with food until you can't move. No wonder america is fat. I think this day was made just to piss of us people who are trying to stay skinny.

THANK JESUS for laxatives. I love them. They work so well because you can eat all you want and still maintain your weight. The pain isn't so fun at first, but you get used to it and end up falling in love with the feeling. The feeling of being empty right after eating. SO GOOD. And the food my family cooked was perfect. I was so angry that it was good. I wanted to hate eating it and I mean I did, but it was so delicious. It's okay though, because it's all be flushed down the toilet. Take that America! I won't get fat like the rest of you. I made a promise to myself that I WILL be the skinniest person at my school. It might take a few months, but I will make it happen.

I hope everyone's thanksgiving has been wonderful! I hope you got that secret stash of laxatives out to save your life. (;

Love you alll and think skinnyyy (:

Alone in a crowded room

A huge feeling of loneliness just slapped me in the face. I'm sitting here smoking on the porch with my best friend, but I feel so freaking alone. I have no idea why. I hate this feeling. Sometimes I feel like I suck everything out of all the people who support me. I feel like I constantly go to them for advice and I get on their nerves. I don't mean to bother them, but sometimes I just need to talk. Let it out, vent. Ya know?

Yes, I write poems.

My 'Ana' Voice

An unwelcome voice now crowds my head,
Crying out, begging not to be fed.
She gets strength from my hunger pains,
My emptiness is now her's to gain.

Taking control and always telling me what to do,
She says, "You don't deserve to eat. You know it's true."
I try to rebel, but her voice only gets louder.
She tells me when I'm thin, then she'll be prouder.

"Put down that fork. Step away from the plate,"
Her voice will forever echo because my body, she hates.
I step on the scale hoping to escape my fate,
But her grip is so tight, I can tell it's too late.

I find some comfort in bottles of pills.
Swallowing them everyday, trying to give in to her will.
Two to take away the hunger, Three to dull the pain,
Four to help me sleep at night and escape her endless blame.

Her name is Ana, she lives in my head.
Overflowing my life with a constant feeling of dread.
Though our relationship has had it's ups and downs,
She's making me thin, so I'll keep her around.

First Posttttttt!

Hey guys! This is my first blog post. I'm not super awesome at writing, but I love sharing my thoughts and ideas with anyone who cares enough to read it! I made this blog specifically to post about my daily struggle to find happiness in my body. I hate my body more than anything. I spend my days worrying about how many calories are in what I'm about to eat, or if anyone will catch onto how many times I go to the bathroom during a meal. I've been trying hard to change my size for so long. I started out this school year (August) at 147 and now I'm at 137.4. Ten poundsssssss. Woooo! I couldn't do it all with out the support from my Ana buddy, Morgan. Love her to pieces and she's right there with me everyday. Well I think this is it for this post. I'm sure I'll blog again soon. (:

staystrong&skinnyloves(: