So Much Anger

So much anger running through me right now. I know anger isn't good, but I can't help it. I can't leave it inside or I'll explode so my instinct is to take it out on the cause. Normally that's okay because my mom is usually the cause, but that's not the case here. I already took at a lot of it on the real cause and that was a mistake. I'm pissed of now, but I know I'll be over it later. I don't want to end a friendship over this but it isn't the first time the situation has happened. It happens on a regularly basis. It makes me so freaking angry. Makes me feel disposable. Like I'm on there when it's convenient for that person. In there for them always, but it feels like they are only there when they have nothing else to do. I hate feeling like that. Our friendship is probably going to end when the semester ends because we won't have a class together and that person's whole family hates me for no reason. Apparently I'm on drugs? Have they met their child? Seriously. One parent = Drug Investigator. The other = Sherriff. Way to fail at their jobs. It's not fair. I did nothing to them.

Well whatever. I just needed to vent.

Byeloves.

New Years

Woah. It's 2011 already? It doesn't feel like it. I spent the new years with one of my best friends, Haley. We were laughing, having fun, remembering old times. It felt just like any other night with her. The count down wasn't all that great, but we drank sparkling grape juice and jammed out to some awesome music in her hot tub. I couldn't sleep so I'm currently sitting on her roof, YES HER ROOF, waiting for the sun to rise. The first sunrise of 2011. I imagine it's going to be beautiful. I hope I'm not let down.

2010 was a crazy year. I can't believe it's over. I changed so much throughout it. If you went back and talked to the person I was in January 2010 and asked where I thought I'd be right now I would have IN NO WAY have been able to predict this. It's different, but I like it. In 2010 I was a cheerleader. I made friends, I gained a BEST FRIEND, I became a stronger athlete, I lost a lot of weight, I gained it all back. I lied to myself and I lied to my family. I fought with my mom, I ran away, twice. I became a better person. I found God. I lost Him, On purpose. I started this blog. I met Morgan and that completely changed a ton of things. I half way saved someone's life with Morgan's help. I lost cheerleading. I got straight A's. I became confident in school. I met an AHH-MAZING guy who I hope to be together with for a long time to come. SO much stuff happened in 2010, but it's 2011 now which means it's time for some resolutions. (:

2011 New Year's Resolutions:

1. Lose weight. A lot.
2. Get nothing below a B for the rest of high school. Shoot for straight A's.
3. Do well on my SAT.
4. Get back in shape for cheerleading.
5. Be a better friend.
6. Work out more.
7. Get below/stay below 130. Preferably below 120.
8. Write more.
9. Learn to deal with my mother so she'll quit screaming.
10. Get a job.
11. Get my license. (February 3rd!!!)
12. Get better at photography/submit some photos somewhere.

That's about all I can think of right now, maybe I'll come back and add more later.

Think Skinny my loves.
(: (:

Christmas

Christmas dinner makes us fat.

So much FAILURE

So much failing lately. At not eating, at purging, at blogging? I'm going to fix it. Tomorrow starts my crazy intense winter break work out. I did it last year and lost 10lbs in two weeks. That's happening again plus some more. I'm only going to eat on christmas. And I'm going to take laxatives. Freaking life savers. I'll update the blog when I lose some more weight. Gotta get off the flubber. It's so unattractive. I know people call me fat behind my back. I can feel it. Oh well, that'll change soon. After break they'll be talking about how awesome I look. Hell yesssss!

Stay skinnyyyyyy<3

Size 3

Yet another poem. This one is older, but whatevessss.

Size 3

My pillow's soaked, my eyes are red.
All these thoughts jumbled in my head.

The tears keep coming, they follow the pain.
For in this Hell is where I remain.

My face is tear-stained, my body can't feel.
So now I take comfort in this tiny pill.

Just to be thinner is all I want to be.
A size 7 doesn't work. I want to be a 3.

I don't care what it takes -- I won't even eat.
Because just like everyone else, I have a dream.

The dream of perfection. It's one little goal.
To love myself and body as a whole.

Why must I be the size of a pregnant whale?

Ohmygoodness. I feel so freaking fat today. My legs are the size of logs, my arms too. I look like I could be pregnant with a baby bear. I hate this so much. I'm trying so hard. I feel dizzy and weak, so why am I not thin yet? Freaking sucks so much. I'm so fatfatfatfatfatfatfat. I will be the skinniest girl at my school. I will make that happen. I'm gonna drop so many sizes. 7 to 5 to 3 to 2 to 1 to 0 to 00. Zero in tennis is love. I finally get it. 0 is love.

Elf in Psychology

We are watching Elf in my psychology class so I decided to get on a computer and blog a little. This week started out good. I starved all day monday. So proud. Then.. Tuesday. The christmas party. I failed so hard. I knew I was going to eat so I took laxatives right before. That's fine, but eating on tuesday ruined my whole week. I haven't been able to starve since. It sucks. I tried just throwing up after I ate, like I used too, but my body just will not do it. I could sit there all day long with my fingers down my throat and I'll just gag. It takes FOREVER to make myself puke. And when I finally do, it's only a tiny bit. No where near all of the food in my stomach. I don't know why. It's so dumb. I used to throw up after every single time I ate and it was easy. All I would have to do would be make myself gag and lean over a toilet. 2 minutes tops.

I ate breakfast this morning because when I woke up my stomach was killing me and I felt sick. SO DUMB. I should've just ignored it, but I'm starving for the rest of the day and all weekend. I don't even know what I weigh right now. I don't think I want too... I was 135 last time I check, but I bet that's all gone now. :/ I think if I succeed in starving all weekend (WHICH I WILL!), then I'll weigh myself sunday. I'm also gonna be using some diuretics will I starve. That way I can chug water every time I think about eating and not have to worry about water gain. Thank goodness for laxatives and diuretics. Life savers.

That's all for today.
SkinnySkinnySkinnylove<3